Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
