Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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