we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
