Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
