I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
