he thought i was a dude.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
