the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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