I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize