her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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