So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
