dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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