So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
