Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
