he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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