We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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