god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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