Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
