yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
