The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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