i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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