i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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