Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
