I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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