Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
