just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
