Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
