So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
