Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
