Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
