As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
