If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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