i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
