Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
