I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
