The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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