her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
