How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
