Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
