I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You took a bar mat shot.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
