I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
