Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
