Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
