i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
