You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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