hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
