3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
