In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize