i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
