I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
