piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize