You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
being pregnant is like rehab
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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