someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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