Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
