I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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