you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
