That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize