you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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